Live Beyond Limitation

“When passion and attachment come together, they are often confused for love.” – Yung Pueblo

Something that has really been on my mind recently is the difference between falling in love with someone vs. falling in love with the idea of someone.

I’m a sucker for romance. I love human connection. I love love. And sometimes this love for love turns out to actually be an unnatural romanticizing of the idea of loving someone, rather than loving someone for who they truly are.

Here are some things I’ve learned about relationships & life in general at this point in time:

1. Prioritize making loving decisions rather than quick, feeling-in-the-moment decisions. Aka, choosing your path based on what will provide you with true happiness rather than temporary pleasure. Through going by impulse, you are ignoring an underlying issue.
2. The best things in life (relationships, people, circumstances, etc) come unexpectedly. No amount of obsession over something happening (ex: a relationship forming with person x) because you see it as the “ideal” circumstance will manifest into your existence unless it is meant too. If you were really perfect for each other, you would have been together naturally. The more you force things, the worse they’ll be for you over time.
3. Do not pursue someone for their potential. For what they could be. This is something I fall victim to more often than not. It’s common. We, who do this, naturally see the good in people and want to help them be the best version of themselves. You see people in a way that other people may not, in a way that is welcoming and understanding. You may even see people in a way that they themselves don’t even see. You empathize with their past and you become a fire within the coldness for them. This hopefulness you have for the person however, tends to brush under the rug what would be considered very apparent red flags. You are viewing your relationship as something you would like it to be rather than what is actually is. Practice the art of learning what is real and genuine vs. what is being projected; practice discerning reality from what you’d like reality to be. Do not fall for someone who you believe will change, but are doing nothing to get there.
4. Always follow your intuition. It is never wrong. The issue that often arises with this is how to know what is or is not your intuition. How can one tell if the little voice in the back of your head is that intuitive gut feeling vs. your mind or ego. To learn this, you must be the observer of your thoughts. All of them. Watch how events unfold and take note of the patterns of if you saw something coming initially. For example, you meet a person you are attracted to. You begin talking. You have this feeling that this person isn’t in your highest interest right now; that they aren’t right for you, but you ignore it because you want to entertain the idea of having a romantic connection again. You are attracted to this person and you like the feeling. What’s so wrong with that? This goes directly back to #1 (Making decisions based on what feels good in the moment, when you know deep down, in the long term, it isn’t good for you.) Now, it may seem harmless what you’re doing. And for a time, it is. Until you spend more and more of that time entertaining something that wasn’t supposed to be significant, but now is because of the space you invested in this person and the time you spent building a connection with them. This is not honoring either one of you if you actively know you are suppressing your own truth about the situation. (This isn’t necessarily saying not to try things out with someone, but knowing your own habits and staying conscious of signs pointing to repeating past patterns that point to unhealthy tendencies.)
5. Honor where you are right now. You are meant to be in the place you are in at this point in time. Instead of using your energy longing for different circumstances, ask yourself “what can I learn from this?” Might as well, right? Otherwise, if you don’t learn the cause of something (the why for where you are where you are,) the same occurrence will continue happening over and over again until eventually you do know why. Everything in life is a lesson. Take it or leave it. But just know if you leave it, it’s going to linger until you decide to take it. (So I guess it’s actually take it or take it… eventually. Depends on how fast you want to grow. By taking things as they are, without trying to avoid or suppress them, you are becoming more and more comfortable with the uncomfortable, making each situation moving forward easier and easier to choose what’s best for you.)
6. Learn to let go. It’s hard to let go of the hope you have for someone you’ve become invested in; someone you’ve put so much time and energy into raising up; someone who continuously takes you on the rollercoaster of feelings, of belief and disappointment. You don’t want to just give up on them. But what if I let go of them when they need me the most? That is a chance you are going to have to take if you ever want things to change. Only when you let go and step out of the pattern – out of the relationship – will you see the truth of how much you were giving with how little they were open to receiving. Their happiness is not your responsibility. By taking on their problems as you would your own, you are not only disrespecting yourself, but also perpetuating an unhealthy cycle you know can only be solved by letting go of them. Know your worth. Know the difference between love and attachment.