Live Beyond Limitation

When I fall, 

I don’t immediately hit rock bottom like I say I do.

–

No,

Instead I push myself further and further down 

With my own two hands

Until there is the only the overwhelming pain 

Of knowing that my thoughts and actions are not my own.

That they are unnatural.

That they are inauthentic. 

That they are artificially forced.

–

Trying to push the everlasting light away

In hope that I may trick myself

Into thinking I am lost

And that I am in need of saving.

Or maybe that I am stuck 

Or am unknowing

Or am alone

Or am weak

Or am unworthy 

All so I may continue to fall.

–

None of these ideas are true though, 

And not even in my darkest moments do I fully believe these thoughts. 

–

And yet still, 

The pain will do anything in its power 

To stay alive.

–

The cravings and the voices

Grow stronger and stronger

The blinders go up.

And hands begin to work.

Searching and

Reaching and

Clenching

Until eventually,

–

I come back. 

And wonder why I ever wasted my time.

–

The decision is yours. Willpower is built from you and you only.