I just wanted to come on here and talk on a few things.
So first off, thank you all so incredibly much for your support and comments on my last post regarding my struggle. Truly, you all mean the absolute world to me and I can’t even express my love and gratitude. Seeing everyone come together and share their take on the subject was one of the most beautiful, eye-opening experiences, because really, we are all human; and as much as we may feel completely alone at times, we’re not. Our minds are all one-in-the-same and it was incredible listening to you guys.
Today was… a day, let me begin with that. I started school Monday and I’m of course, like everyone else, trying my best to adjust to it. In the past, the school year held a multitude of negative associations and memories and connections for me… and at the same time, it held my most treasured and favorite ones. During the school year I battled those typical feelings of stress, frustration, doubt, and annoyance…. as one would… and on top of that/ due to that, there was of course dealing with the eating disorder.
This year I’m working my hardest towards breaking those neural connections (old patterns of thinking) so that I may break the cycle and live the life I want. Because it isn’t schools fault that I felt the way I did (for the most part)… it was the way I dealt with it and looked at it. It takes work. Sometimes a lot of work. I am constantly fighting and finding my way through this crazy life.
Today was difficult. There were moments that I adored, and there were moments that were very hard for me. I began my day with school. Chinese was average (I enjoy the class nonetheless though). I have to work really hard for the next couple of years because in the past when I was struggling, my hardship overtook my life and focusing on school was close to impossible. That being said, I missed quite a lot in the class. It’s ok though because it is the past and I am going to continue to work hard. And it’s my choice. I chose to take IB Chinese for the next couple of years because, as much as I dislike being behind and the feelings of stress attached (which can be triggering for me), my love for the class overall overthrows the fear and doubt. Physics is… math. I do not know math. Musical theatre is cool, I’m sure I will have loads of fun in that class, as well as dance.
So after school I called Milan (partner, if you don’t know me that well) and we talked for a bit. Then I worked a little on photography (which I will use one of the pics for this cover) and thoroughly enjoyed that. Afterwards, I posted a new listing on my Etsy shop for a new copper-wire snake ring I made last night.
And yet, despite all of these wonderful things, in the back of my head lingered those old feelings and thoughts and memories. I felt like I was in the past. So, I acted on it. I was drained from the school day and I was tired and bored and my mind was simply a little foggy. I took actions I would have taken in the past. Yes, I felt guilty and sad and frustrated and stressed…momentarily.
I’m writing this post because in my last one I mentioned the fact that, no, days are not always going to be amazing. Just because I’ve made giant steps towards the freedom from my past ties, does not make my sky always have a rainbow. Today proved that.
And so after I took these old actions, yeah, I wallowed for a bit. I knew it wasn’t going to help and I knew that I was retreating back to my past familiarity, though at the same time, I didn’t care. My perception was foggy because it was clouded with the sky from my past.
The thing is: clouds aren’t stagnant, nor are they permanent in the sky; just like the rainbows. They move and they fade. They may linger for minutes, hours, or even days, but they are also never the same clouds either. Just like humans, there isn’t one cloud that is ever exactly the same as the other. Just because you take actions you have taken in the past, does not mean you are in the past. Just because you saw a cloud in the sky after the sky was sunny for a week, does not make that cloud in the sky the same as the one the week before. They are different clouds and they are different days. Just because you feel the exact same emotions, does not mean you haven’t made progress.
The fog in my head disappeared when I chose to get up.. which started with actually physically doing so… which meant first getting out of bed.
I stood up because I signed up for aerial silks and was getting picked up by one of my best friends (Maddie). I love silks and I love Maddie, and I cherish every moment involved with one of them; and yet, a part of me dreaded the idea of leaving. My mind is powerful. Sometimes, it will do whatever it takes to keep me tied up. Seemingly, it doesn’t take effort to leave a mind space I’ve already ingrained to be as my baseline (that being either guilt or fearfulness), and when I consciously choose to take the same actions (ex: if I were to stay in bed), I would be strengthening those baseline emotions. I would be reinforcing my dread and my fear and my doubt and my struggle. I would be forming my reality with circumstances I don’t even want, all from staying there.
So, I got up and I went to silks. And it took work. And I loved it.
When Maddie picked me up, automatically, a smile formed on my face. If you know me, you’d know I am a huge extrovert. My energy mainly comes from people and seeing Maddie smile at me reminded me of… well, life. Oh quarantine….
Once I got in the car, I still was a bit on edge, but not nearly as much as I was before I left. We listened to music and talked, we went into a car wash where I screamed and laughed the entire time (What can I say! I’ve learned they are kinda scary!). After, we drove onwards to silks where we had a blast together.
Once silks ended, it was around dinner time so we decided to go get food. As I said before, earlier in the day I was having a difficult time with it, so this was definitely a little tricky for me today. Basically this circumstance was like a cartoon where the character had the angel and the devil on each shoulder. Part of me wanted to give up and give in; feed into the eating disorder voice and base my happiness off of how I ate in the terms of looking through the distorted lens that is the whole ED perception. Because it isn’t about the food itself, there is no “good” or “bad” foods; it’s about how I view it. The other part of me wanted freedom from this voice. While I was eating, I’ll be honest, it was back and forth a solid 10 times with those two voices. My mind would twist and turn… and yet, I decided that I wasn’t going to listen to the old voice. And do you know what happened when I decided that? I had the time of my life. I ate yummy food with one of my bestest of friends in her car as we laughed and smiled together. I can’t stress the strength of that smile I had on my face enough. I didn’t let my past mind dictate my happiness for the rest of the night, no matter how hard it tried. It took a lot of work, and that’s what it is going to be for awhile. Some things aren’t a quick fix and that’s ok.
There was one moment in the car with Maddie when she was talking and I looked over at her in awe. I was in awe because I was thinking to myself how… out of everyone in the world, I am me. I am me and this is my life. I am me and I am friends with this amazing, beautiful person out of all the people in the world. I am me and I have all of you here reading this.
What I want to really say to you guys is: Don’t take life too seriously. It can be difficult and your sky may be dark and cloudy, but just remember what I said before: clouds are not stagnant, nor are they permanent. This life is yours and yours only. Fight for the life you truly want to live, and don’t settle for anything less.
I am me and you are you, and although we are all so very different and so very unique, we are all connected. Deep down, we are all one-in-the-same.
And that my friends, is the beauty of life.
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