Throughout my journey as an actress, I’ve grappled with the relentless pressure of feeling inadequate; of feeling not enough – not fitting into society’s narrow standards of ‘enough’, and everything that entails. Ironically, I’ve found that the more I strive to embody this sort of elusive ‘best version’ of myself, the further I drift from my actual self. Instead, I become trapped in an endless pursuit of the unattainable.
At 14, I began transitioning from theatre to film, and with that transition came many new perspectives. I started focusing more and more on the roles I wanted on screen, and began to notice a common thread among them: their bodies differed from mine. I concluded that in order to attain the role, I had to first attain the body of the actor with that role.
Now let’s remember, I was 14. This means a couple things:
- There was a heightened vulnerability to influence.
- There was a heightened desire for validation. I believed that by conforming to what I viewed the media’s standards to be, I would be successful in my pursuit of being an actor.
(^ 14 year old McKenna)
As you could maybe guess, this mentality I was growing was coincidently at the same time when my eating disorders first began… how surprising… (not). I could go into an entirely separate story in regards to such development, but I’ll save that for a future post…
I’ve learned that acting is a paradox. It’s about becoming someone else while remaining true to yourself.
For the longest time, I solely believed that I wasn’t landing roles because of my appearance. And granted, it’s true to an extent given the industry’s emphasis on looks. But altering myself to fit some mold I’ve created in my head has only ever led me to endless, fruitless chases with myself (or, rather, who I want that self to be.) The truth is, your unique being; your beautiful, one-of-a-kind essence that is shaped by your experiences, is what breathes life into the characters you act as. By being strongly planted in the shoes you were given in this life, opportunities meant for you will come to you. What you radiate, you attract. Embracing your genuine self eliminates the need for conformity or validation through external success.
Who would have thought it would be so difficult to be comfortable with yourself… When I find myself comparing my body to someone else’s, yearning to be more like them, something that motivates me is thinking of being the representation I didn’t see when I was younger.* Maybe then, someone else will feel just a little more at peace in their own skin, rather than facing the struggle I went through by not accepting my own.
Let authenticity be your guiding light in a world hungry for inclusivity, and embrace your beautiful, unique nature in this life. <3
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*I also want to acknowledge my own perspective may be limited by my experiences-I’m a white woman in a body that, while not conforming to all societal standards, still fits within certain norms. However, I want to emphasize the importance of recognizing the diverse ways we perceive ourselves and each other. Our individual truths may vary, but they are all valid and deserving of respect.
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