(Quotes from Oracle of the Dragonfae)
While chapters always come to a close, encounters, characters and struggles always have the potential to reappear in later pages. When this happens, it is not meant to be a setback. This reappearance is proof of your growth.
“I know you wish to reach out, and yet you hold back. I know you feel drawn to knock on this door and to see whether it will be answered this time…and yet you fear so much.”
Stepping into the unknown is hard. We build a routine of thought and action that’s comfortable for a time, but is not meant to be permanent. Change is inevitable and should be welcomed and embraced.
“I see a spirit whose flame has flickered low, whose light is in danger of going out if it does not take the next step. For years you have passed this door and many times you have found yourself here.”
It’s true. I have found myself here So. Many. Times. And time and time again I have pushed away this flame out of fear; fear of not being able to return to what I’ve been holding so tightly onto (even though I wouldn’t want to return). The ego will play tricks and rationalize in an effort to keep you stagnant. For me personally, I am often convinced by the ego that I should keep holding on (to whatever it is at the time) because I’ve ‘already devoted so much time and energy towards preserving it’ and ‘maybe things will be different this time around.’
However, writing this truth has made me realize something:
This is the exact same voice that kept me in a restrict-binge cycle. It’s what perpetuated the problem. It’s what convinced me to continue eating when I was painfully full and what kept me from eating when I was starving.
This sort of dependency and attachment comes in many forms. Just as one can become addicted to drugs or food, one can also become addicted to another person. In my last relationship, I found that the more dissatisfied I was with my partner and I’s dynamic, the more desperate an effort I made to hold on to it. It became all-consuming, thus I forgot what life was like outside of it. I lost my sense of self. I later realized that I had spent so much more time fearing losing them rather than enjoying the time we had together, solely for what it was. The relationship’s purpose had its time and place, but was not meant to last forever. I ended up breaking it off because the little flame inside of me, who knew the truth, knew that it was no longer serving either of us. And I knew that for awhile. I was just too afraid to let go.
We’re all addicts struggling with our drug of choice, whether it be an actual substance, a person, or our very own thoughts themselves.
And don’t get me wrong, breaking up wasn’t easy. The day I did was the day I cried harder than I ever had before. It was a bittersweet goodbye and even writing this now, I get teary-eyed. Letting go isn’t easy. But I continue to remind myself that it’s worth it, even if I don’t know what the future will hold. Plus, crying is not a sign of weakness, despite what some of us are told. From the day you were born, crying has been a sign that you are healthy and alive.
“I say to you know: it is time. Reach out. Knock at the door. And let what will be, be.”
It’s time.
I will not allow my old mental circuitry to hold me back anymore. I will not let my conditioned fears and internalized voices from the past burn out my flame. I am ready to let go once again.
“Reach out…take a hold of the handle and be ready for the wonder of the unknown that lies beyond the door. The doors of perception are about to change…forever.”
So from me to whoever’s reading this:
Go through the door. Take the step.
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