This month has truly been such an amazing one.
As you all know, this year has been insane for me. Most of the time on this blog the majority of my content has been about suffering and how to make it through it. This month has been the best I’ve had in a very, very long time. Now, saying that, I don’t mean every day has been rainbows and butterflies… but instead…. here’s the difference.
This month I have had the ability to live the way I’ve wanted to. I have been working on my crafts (especially my Etsy shop) every day and it brings me incredible joy. It doesn’t feel like a drag. It doesn’t feel like I’m working as a distraction from my pain…. I’m working because… I love to. And I haven’t experienced that for as long as I can remember.
I think the main thing that made me realize that there was a major shift in my life recently was after a week or so at the beginning, I noticed when I woke up in the morning, I was excited for the day ahead. I haven’t felt that way in years. Sure, maybe I woke up excited for a day or two because of a specific event that I had that day… but now I don’t have plans laid out. The plan is simply to live and do what I love. I can’t get over how amazing it feels, because I remember for the entire year, I would wake up so anxious and hopeless and defeated, sitting in my own cloud of fog. My mind would tortured me every waking minute.
This shift in my life also wasn’t quick (obviously), nor was it 0-100, if that makes sense. I didn’t wake up one day just motivated and happy and energized. no. And I think that’s another reason why I didn’t marvel at the shift when it happened. Because it was subtle. My mom has always told me that the most powerful changes in life are the subtle ones, and I understand what she meant now. Because I’ve never felt more like myself than I do now.
For example, I’ve always known that I’m a very independent person, though through this journey that was not the ‘me’ that I showed.. which makes sense of course, because I was so detached from myself. But I tell you guys, recently, it’s been the funniest and most fulfilling feeling when people have asked me to hang out and I decline because I wanted to work instead. This may seem silly to some, but in the past the only way I was able to spark the slightest bit of joy most times, was to distract myself with other people. I was scared of being alone because I didn’t trust what I would do. The more I ran away from myself, the harder I had to face the truth/ reality (which, deep down, I already knew), and I think the most frustrating thing was the fact that I knew who I was (my soul) and what I wanted, but I still chose the road of pain (ill brain). It was the fact that choosing what my soul wanted/ what I actually wanted, didn’t feel like a choice that I had the power to make. I knew I could, but it was the fact that I wouldn’t that was the problem.
A quote that stuck with me for the past few months, that I think I heard on a Ted-Talk but i’m not sure, is “Don’t give up 5 minutes before a miracle happens.” I didn’t even know that the quote resonated with me until later that night when I was at war with myself. Unlike other nights, I didn’t take any self destructive actions because I just… waited. It was extremely difficult.. but I thought about that quote over and over again in my head, and it saved me.
If you don’t already know, on my phone I have two apps I use every single day. LeapSecond and Daylio. Daylio is a mood tracker I use and LeapSecond is where every single day I take a one second video clip, and by the end of the year I watch it back. I’ve been doing it for two years now, and I noticed something the other day. Through this entire year, watching the (roughly) 5 minute video so far, It was another eye opener as to how deceiving the media can be. I say this because in the majority of my videos I’d appear to either be laughing or having fun with others, or dancing, or smiling…. and as the person who actually experienced that day, the clips were the one moment I had where I felt… ok. I’ll see videos that look like I’m having the most amazing day ever, when in reality, no one knows that in those same 24 hours I would be sobbing, huddled up in the corner of my room. Now you may be wondering, why wouldn’t you capture the truth of the day? Why would you only capture the highlight? Well, my first response to that question would be to look at social media in general. It’s all people’s highlights. You don’t see their pain or truth. However, even though thats social media in general, that’s not why I choose to film the moments I do. I film my best moments because I want to remind myself in whatever way I can, that there is still light in every single day, no matter how bad it may have seemed. There is always something to appreciate and learn from. and that is why I capture those moments.
The same goes for this month in comparison to others in the year. These past few weeks, in video, look extremely boring. It will be me sitting at my desk alone either working on school work or my shop…. and yet, it’s the most fun I’ve had. So yeah, don’t believe everything you see online. Don’t waste your energy comparing yourself to other people’s false realities. Live your life.
Overall, this crazy thing called life takes a lot of work, but I’m excited to see how it further unfolds. Besides, I’m only going to be McKenna once. I’m going to make the most of it.
And a last note to you all: Living through life is so worth it, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. Because trust me, I know what it’s like to feel hopeless and to be in the darkest of places… but just know, things change.
I promise.
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